Finding Joy presents a comprehensive, practical guide for living your best life with chronic illness. As a school psychologist and chronic illness sufferer, this psychology self-help book integrates personal and professional insights to give you tools for handling various aspects of living with a chronic illness. There is also a chapter specifically for the loved ones and caregivers of the chronically ill.
Few books exist that offer comprehensive, practical guidance for living your best life with a chronic illness. And even fewer exist with mental health tips written from the perspective of a psychologist and sufferer. Additionally, while the message is designed for readers of all faiths, early in the book I self-disclose my Christian faith, discuss the value of faith, and offer several Bible verses.
I think the first four chapters will be the most enjoyable for readers, as they really make Finding Joy unique among chronic illness books. These chapters deal with psychological strategies, positive psychology, stress management, and treatments for depression.
Show Self-Compassion
A chronic illness provides a constant reminder to self-blame, which leads to decreased self-esteem and depression. We blame ourselves for overdoing it, for needing extra rest, for our “decrepit” bodies, for falling behind at work, for failing to socialize, and for not accomplishing our daily activities or striving toward long-term goals and dreams. To add insult to injury, when we voice this self-blame, our seemingly “able-bodied” friends and family members may also inadvertently join in the criticism, either by what they say, by what they do, or by encouraging us to act beyond our physical limitations. This destructive cycle of negative self-regard must be not only stopped, but also reversed, in order to effectively manage our chronic illness.
Self-compassion offers the best way to stop this cycle of negative self-regard. Self-compassion holds a positive self-view and regards oneself with kindness during times of trouble. Among patients with chronic illness, self-compassion leads to lower stress levels, better emotional regulation, better adaptive coping skills, and improved health practices.2 Psychologically, it promotes happiness, conscientiousness, optimism, and decreases depression and rumination – thinking the same thought over and over without an end or solution.3
Three Key Features to Self-Compassion
Psychologist Kristin Neff, PhD, proposes three key features to self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.4
1. Self-kindness shows genuine care and sympathy for ourselves in light of our perceived inadequacies, shortcomings, or limitations, and thereby resists the urge to be self-critical. We accept our imperfections and try to let go of our past mistakes. We recognize our value and unique strengths, gifts, or talents. We stay gentle toward ourselves when we do not reach our self-imposed ideals. Instead of saying, “I can never get anything done because I am so tired,” for example, we could show self-kindness and state, “My body is telling me that I need rest right now so I can have more energy and get more done later.”
2. Common humanity suggests that difficult experiences are part of the human condition and we all suffer at different points in our lives. It recognizes the universal nature of our suffering. Making small talk with someone at a store, listening to a friend, or showing empathy for someone who is distressed provide examples of connecting with others. The more connected you remain with other people’s experiences, the more you realize everyone suffers in one way or another.
The shared vulnerability experienced during the worldwide coronavirus pandemic of 2020, during which millions were infected and died, offers a unique glimpse into common humanity. During the coronavirus pandemic, a common slogan on television ads was “We are all in this together” in reference to the universal pain and suffering. Many with chronic illnesses felt comfort in knowing of the protections for everyone but especially the most vulnerable through masks to prevent the spread of illness, employers accommodating those with chronic illness by allowing them to work from home or take extra safety precautions at work, and social distancing recommendations which some with chronic illness instinctively practice anyway.
3. Mindfulness, according to Dr. Neff, means taking a balanced view of one’s negative emotional states rather than becoming embroiled with them. Mindfulness does not attempt to ignore or deny these difficult feelings, but simply acknowledges them for what they are, without exaggerating or suppressing them. Mindfulness stays focused on the present, not stressing about the past or worrying about the future. When we notice ourselves feeling stressed, for example, we just note, “Here is stress.” We might also note, “This too shall pass,” and so we simply sit with it and breathe. Meditation is an example of mindfulness, and it can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths and freeing your mind of any passing thoughts, or saying a prayer.