Ever found yourself without the mental health you need in order to thrive? Is it sometimes hard to manage your emotions well, even though you pray, read your Bible, and serve others? Does God seem to be some illusive presence that you just can’t seem to sense or hear?This practical and yet, intensely personal book will give readers a different model for moving towards emotional maturity. Learning to sense God enjoying her by using the Immanuel Approach, no matter what, turns out to be the beginning of an intimacy with the Creator that the author never dreamed possible. Wholehearted living begins with joy, that feeling you get when someone is glad to be with you. Joy has the power to manage all that goes on inside of us… when there is enough of it. Unfortunately, however, for many of us there is very little joy inside compared to the shame, fear, sadness, anger, and hopeless despair that swirl about. The result of this imbalance is emotional shutdown or meltdown, which leave us unable to fully connect with those around us. Depression and addiction run rampant when joy is lacking. And yet most of us are never shown healthy ways to deal with our emotions, to express them well, and to build the joy we need in order to endure the hardships of life. Showing you the process towards emotional maturity is precisely what Back to Joy intends to do.Not a “how-to” that simply gives you steps to follow, Back to Joy: An Intimate Journey with Jesus into Emotional Health and Maturity actually shows you•What it looks like to sense God’s enjoyment of you no matter what through the Immanuel Approach•How going back to your past can free you to wholehearted living in the present•That your needs are valid and that God wants you to learn to receive•What suffering well looks like when you have been attacked•The radical mission God is on to seek and save all that was lost in your life and in the lives around you, including your mental health! By reading intimate journal entries spanning 18 years of her life as a Missionary, Relational Coach, Pastoral Counselor, daughter, wife, friend and mother you will see how Jesus has gently cared for the author, revealed His truth to her, healed traumatic memories, convicted her when she was stuck in harmful paradigms, and ultimately led her into emotional maturity and wholehearted living. Toni’s book is an inspiring statement that you do not have to settle for a mediocre relationship with the Creator of the Universe. What are you waiting for? His delight in you can and will radically change your life as you let Him lead you back to joy and into emotional maturity.
A look into the inner world of a missionary; honest and open; shows healing and maturing process...does not just teach about it.
I am very honest about the struggle to honor my family of origin while at the same time acknowledging the trauma and harmful things that happened to me. Seeing Jesus speak Truth into my trauma and heal me is especially impactful. But I do not just model it, I share steps you can take to grow joy as well.
Chapter 1
I was probably nine years old the first time I sensed God’s presence. It was 1982, the year I met Sara Murphy and the year I remember experiencing great loss. Sara and I were soul friends; she felt me, and I could read her mind. She had a lively personality and vibrant eyes that would light up when she smiled, which was often. I remember giggling incessantly till all hours of the night. In fact, I remember laughing, singing, and dancing every minute we were together. For the first time in my life, I felt I could be fully “me.” For the first time in my life, I felt “not alone.”
All of that came crashing down the day she left. We played up to the very last moment, and as I watched the moving van pull away, an emptiness formed in the pit of my stomach. I reached my hand out for her, toward her face pressing against the back window of the car. That’s when it hit me: she was gone. Why didn’t we exchange phone numbers or addresses or anything? We were 9! It never occurred to us, and apparently our parents never realized how important we were to each other. As the van drove out of sight, the sadness settled in that I would never talk to her again, much less see her. In a world without internet, we were lost from each other with an expansive country between us.
The empty feeling in my stomach began to rise; soon it would reach my throat and choke me, taking my very breath. I meandered into the deserted courtyard of our town-home complex. Something in me wanted to be alone, wanted the outside to match the depth of aloneness I was feeling on the inside. And finally the emptiness reached my eyes and tears began to form. “I am truly alone. I have no one now who understands me, no one who enjoys me fully, and no one to fully enjoy.” The thoughts sought to take me captive into depression and hopeless despair.
Then something very normal, yet very holy, happened: a breeze. It was gentle, soothing, and personal. It was as if it brushed my face, almost lifting my head toward the sky, and I breathed deeply. And in that breath and on that breeze, I sensed God’s presence. “You are not alone, My child. I am here.”
One moment, I was about to be consumed with grief and despair, and the very next, I was filled with joy that the God of creation was with me and wanted to comfort me. I had heard about how much He loved me and wanted to always be with me, but those had been just words and longings. Now, in my deepest need, He had come. To my nine-year-old brain, it was that simple.
The joy bubbled up from within, and I began dancing around the courtyard, twirling in joy-filled sadness. It was a strange mix, but beautiful. I could mourn. I did not have to fear my sadness. I would not get lost in it, because I was so loved and I was not alone.
Little did I know I was surrendering myself to a truth that would serve me all of my life: Life is great loss, and joy is not the absence of pain, but the almost tangible presence of God in the midst of it.
* * *
The next time I remember sensing God’s presence also involved deep, personal loss of someone I loved.
It was happening again… It was 1988 and I had found someone who loved me and enjoyed me completely. His name was John and he was my first real boyfriend. When I was with him, I felt alive, seen, and beautiful, and I laughed a lot.
Then the news came: “I’m moving back to California.” How could this be happening to me again? This time, the emptiness invaded my entire body, mind, and soul. My childlike faith had turned to teenage doubt and my brain could not quiet long enough to hear the Divine. After all, wasn’t it Him allowing this to happen to me, again? Anger and sadness consumed me.
My family tried to reach me. My friends, too. But the pain was suffocating, and I needed to breathe. “Ending it all would end the pain, and I would be free.” It was the razor in hand over the bathtub that set the stage for my next encounter with the Divine. In this desperate attempt to breathe, I heard His whisper again: “Toni, my precious girl, I can work ALL things for your good. I know that makes no sense to you now, but I am asking you to trust me… to trust that this pain will end, and to trust that I have a beautiful future for you. This pain will end, and your story will be well worth it. Will you trust me?”
I put the razor down and collapsed on the floor in a sobbing heap, the pain of helplessness and surrender violently wrecking my body. I would trust. I would walk the road of grief and look for Him there beside me.
I came to my feet weak and fragile, but calm. There was now a pureness to my grief. The anger was gone, the hopeless despair gone. Only sadness remained, accompanied now by hope. Hope that I would make it through this, because He said I would. Hope that eventually the emptiness in the pit of my stomach would be filled with His presence.
* * *
Twenty-four years later, my body still feels the wretchedness of loss and it still demands resolution. Every time someone is taken from me, every time I have to move country, every time I am physically assaulted or robbed, every time my present is not what I thought it would be or what I want it to be, the pit of emptiness forms in my stomach and seeks to consume my very soul. Grief is like a black hole that pulls from within, sucking life into nothingness. I can get lost there. I have gotten lost there. And yet every time I cry out in my lostness, at some point there is a breeze, a still small voice that speaks my name, that calls me “precious”, that says, “I know this hurts. I am here. Will you trust Me?”
Trust.
Ann Voskamp states so beautifully in her book 1000 Gifts that “Trust is the bridge from yesterday to tomorrow, built with planks of thanks… Remembering is an act of thanksgiving, a way of thanksgiving, this turn of the heart over time’s shoulder to see all the long way His arms have carried.”
His arms have indeed carried, and the way has indeed been long. And it is not yet over. This ability to grieve is just the beginning, for I sense that when He says, “Trust me,” He is leading me somewhere. I thought Jesus was on mission seeking and saving “the lost,” but I have come to know that He is on mission seeking to save all that was lost, including parts of me that have been lost to even myself.
Experiencing Jesus as viscerally with me has been the beginning of a journey. But as you will see in the chapters that follow, this journey has at times taken me to even before these “beginnings” in order to heal the present and launch me into my future. And while the future is hopeful, I want my bridge of remembering to be strong enough to endure the losses I know are yet to come.
CHAPTER 1
For Personal Reflection and Practice
What is one memory you have where you were full of awe and appreciation? It could be a moment out in nature, coffee with a friend, the birth of a child, your wedding day, or a moment you sensed the presence of the Divine with you, etc.…
Picture that moment in your imagination and reflect on how you felt physically. What did the temperature around you feel like? Were you sitting or standing? Who was with you? How did you react physically? Where you smiling? Laughing? Crying? Did you have lots of energy or were you calm?
Now, think about how you felt emotionally in that memory. Happy? Thankful? Excited? Humbled? Awed? Indebted? Loved? Cared for? Provided for?
If you feel you have a relationship with God, I invite you to thank Him for this memory. Every day this week, return to this memory in your imagination and enjoy the feelings again and again. Notice how you feel after remembering this memory.