Grief and loss happen to all of us, and the pain can be overwhelming. Questions plague us constantly: Will I ever be happy again? Will this hole in my heart ever go away? When will I stop feeling angry, numb, and sad? And, especially for women—how can I grieve when I need to be strong for others?
Often, we cope by hiding our feelings under fake smiles and social awkwardness, or “I'm fine” replies. We let the busyness and distractions of life take over, and for a while, it feels like healing.
But if it is ignored, grief can wreak havoc.
Through the hope-filled words of a certified grief coach, Unmasking Grief invites us to explore our emotions and fully embrace them, not bury them. Inside this book, you'll:
● Create a safe space to fully feel the emotional pain of grief instead of avoiding it, resisting it, or hiding from it.
● Take steps to actively surrender one's grief to God instead of just coping with it.
● Release unresolved feelings of anger, confusion, and resentment that leave you heavy-hearted and questioning your faith.
● Embrace the simple secret that will bring comfort when feeling empty, sad, and overwhelmed.
● Develop the courage and confidence to be more vulnerable with others instead of suffering in silence.
This book will help women of faith navigate the emotional journey of grieving the loss of a loved one. Let’s find the courage to be more vulnerable with others instead of handling the heartache alone. And let’s finally, truly, unmask grief.
What sets my book apart from others is the approach. I have two pages on the traditionally accepted stages of grief. I don't share statistics. I don't have a list of steps you must follow to feel better. Grief doesn't work like that and never unfolds the same way twice. Everyone grieves differently, and that's what I focus on. The book explores questions we all think about but never say out loud:
- How can I make space to grieve when I have too much to do?
- Am I less of a Christian because I feel angry?
- How do I do this when I need to be strong for others?
- Why do I get annoyed when people mean well but offer stereotypical clichés like, "Sorry for your loss"?
- How do I share my grief without being seen as a negative person?
- Does this type of sadness have an expiration date?
- Where is God? Why did He allow this to happen?
- How do I connect with others when I'm going through so much? Is it okay to be alone?
- And how do I create boundaries and ask for what I need during this process?
My favorite part of the book is the self-reflection exercises and questions, allowing individuals to explore their feelings and thoughts on what's happening in their lives. It's easy to keep ourselves distracted with the busyness of life and sweep our feelings under the rug. But after a while, this approach backfires. I speak from personal experience and share how grief impacted my career, health, and relationships. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book:
"Grief is universal yet unique to the individual. "
"Grief is not a linear process. It's not as simple as one, two, three. It's not a formula or mathematical equation you can solve."
"The heaviness of grief is a burden we were never meant to carry on our own."
"When we are going through the grieving process, time will be a trigger for us in many ways."
"Surround yourself with people who encourage you when you are struggling instead of dismissing your feelings."
Partial text from Chapter 10: The Sands of Time
"Grief is not a linear process. It’s not as simple as one, two, three. It’s not a formula or mathematical equation you can solve. Grief is messy and complicated, and it doesn’t ever follow the path we expect it to in our lives.
Many grievers think they “should be over it by now,” but they still grieve. Depending on the expert or source, grief can last from six months to two years. After that, grief may crop up here and there, but theoretically, it should no longer consume you. I know that through my personal experiences, coaching, and listening to the stories of those who have come across my path, everyone is different. We each differ in our approach to grief and how we choose to handle it, which can vary from loss to loss. That means the length of time that grief may last is different too.
Time is a fickle thing. It happens whether we want it to or not. We want more time with our loved ones. We want less time doing chores. We want to fast forward through our lives when we are kids. We want to slow it down as we get older.
When a loved one dies, we think about our time together, wishing it were longer. We believe that we need to be “over our grief” and not show it after a specific amount of time. Sympathizers are around at first, even to the point of being a hindrance. But then the well-wishers stop checking in as the weeks and months pass. You may have wanted that at the time, but now you hear crickets, and it scares you. It’s a bizarre and mysterious feeling—that the world keeps going when your world falls apart. This chapter covers how time impacts our journeys, from intruding thoughts to calendar events that trigger us to conversations that fade, questions we raise, and how grief can seemingly stretch for eternity.
How do you react when you hear these phrases?
• “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
• “Time heals all wounds.”
• “This too shall pass.”
• “It’s part of a greater plan.”
Did you notice any physical reactions while reading those common sayings? I bet most of them were negative. Perhaps you rolled your eyes, crossed your arms, tightened your jaw, your shoulders became tense and rose to your ears, etc.
We hear, and maybe even say, some of these common phrases throughout life. And while there lies some truth, they can be very irritating when you are going through an emotionally turbulent time.
In my opinion, time does not always heal all wounds. What it does is give you distance from it.
When your loved one leaves this life and goes on to the next, people are there at first. But it does end. As more time passes, fewer people check in. And you’re still left with this loss.
Everyone else’s lives keep going, and meanwhile, you feel:
• A war is waging internally each day.
• It’s a constant struggle to keep it together.
• Weak and helpless, not strong.
• Like there’s no hope.
• Beyond lost.
• It’s the worst pain you’ve ever experienced.
• There is a giant hole in your chest.
• Like the other half of you is missing.
• Incomplete and broken.
• There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
• Life is unfair.
• Like questioning why they are gone and you’re still here.
• Angry at God.
• Like you believe, but your faith comes and goes.
So, you feel like you are drifting alone in the sea with no anchor. The emptiness surrounds you as you drift farther and farther away from the shore. You’re lost and left with a big hole in your heart that seemingly will never be filled. But time keeps marching on, and we do our best to paddle our boats.
We may do well for a while. You take five steps forward, and then the calendar strikes. You get triggered because of a birthday, anniversary, or song, which makes you feel like you got shoved ten steps back. It’s like you are swimming in the deep end of your grief all over again, which makes you feel like you are drowning and about to go under.
Time keeps ticking whether we want it to or not. As we walk through grief, we think about the past, present, and future. We think about our mortality and all the should-have, would-have, and could-have been moments. If only we could turn back the hands of time!
Some people will tell you not to live in the past while grieving. Don’t focus on what you lost when that person died. Don’t focus on the marriage that just unraveled. Don’t focus on that job you didn’t get. When these losses happen, we can easily start taking inventory of all the losses we’ve ever historically experienced, which can compound the effects of our feelings and thoughts.
Then you get other advice that says to focus on being in the present. Focus only on the good before you, not the past or the future. Living in the present and being mindful are trendy grab-our-attention words that give way to all sorts of tips and tricks to help us stay focused on what’s in front of us.
And then we are warned about looking too far ahead in the future! But setting goals and determining what we want our life to look like down the road is an important exercise too! You can make plans and have a vision, but typically a lot of unexpected stuff comes up. Twists and turns that you didn’t see coming and you can’t plan for in life.
When we are going through the grieving process, time will be a trigger for us in many ways. The past, present, and future are essential to reflect on together. You can’t separate one from the others because that can leave you stuck in the past, neglecting the present, and daydreaming about the future. So it’s essential to look at time as a whole and how it can impact us.
Additionally, we often think about our mortality when we think about grief. When we’re younger, we feel invincible. We live not thinking about consequences or appreciating what’s in front of us. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss! Whether we are young or old, there comes a point when more deaths occur, disease is rampant, and suicides are commonplace. It’s happening left and right. One person passes away; then you hear news of another, and then another. It’s a domino effect. The more you lose, the more aware of loss you become.
In these moments, when we are dealing with life’s losses, we start wrestling with our mortality. We think about the number of people we lost. We think about how this family member died at eighty and how we are nearing that number. We think about how this family member got diagnosed with a particular disease, and we can start calculating our likelihood of getting it too. Perhaps the older we get, the more we face mortality when illness and tragedy strike.
Nothing is wrong with this thinking if it doesn’t lead you down a neverending rabbit hole of fear. But, remember, life is a teacher, and each experience is a lesson. So, asking ourselves questions, seeing patterns, and having a healthy sense of wonder can be good. It can allow us to step back and assess our lives to bring about positive change.
When someone you love dies, it’s natural to think about time. The time you lost or wasted. The time you didn’t take a chance. The stupid fights. The words you wish you had said. These thoughts are a springboard for reflection, not a place you want to stay stuck or live in permanently.
From a clinical perspective, grief can be tricky, especially as it relates to time. Experts say you typically experience your most intense grief from the moments right after it happened up to eighteen months after your loss.
Is that true for you? Only you can answer that question. But if you picked up this book, you are trying to figure out how to process it all. The fact that you are tired of pretending and willing to face your grief is brave. So give yourself credit.
If you grieve quickly, then some may think you haven’t spent enough time dealing with the loss. On the other hand, if you grieve too slowly, some may think you are not moving through the process fast enough. There are many technical terms and types of grief, but regardless of the labels, we all go through various experiences and process things differently.
So, does grief have an expiration date? It seems to have a social and public expiration date. But privately, that’s another story. And it doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or extrovert; much grieving happens behind closed doors."