The book "A Woman of Significance" rejects the false message of the self-esteem movement and reveals a precious truth ---a woman's significance in the eyes of God. Unfortunately, it's difficult to reject the world's message of self-esteem, especially since most women have embraced its message since they were young. This book helps women (and helps counselors to help women) to abandon the world's message and embrace the traits that please God.
While there is one other Christian book written on this topic, this is the only book on the subject written specifically for women and Christian counselors who may want to help the person they are counseling.
It has been endorsed by "CHRISTIAN RETAILING," "CHRISTIANITY TODAY," "TODAY'S CHRISTIAN WOMAN," "CHURCH LIBRARIES," and more.
My favorite part of the book that I think readers will enjoy and be impacted by most is in Part Three which is about living out our significance.
IF ONLY I COULD CHANGE WHO I AM!
Many times in my life I have wished I could change who I am. One time I especially wished for it, more than anything! Brian (my husband) and I had just broken up our fifteen-month dating relationship. Why the breakup? He wasn't quite sure I was "the one." So, I suggested that we stop dating and that he begin to date others. After such a crazy suggestion, I prayed that God would put another woman in Brian's life so he would be able to pinpoint exactly what he was looking for. (I was selfishly hoping he would discover I was what he was looking for!)
Days after my prayer, it seemed as if women were falling from the sky like manna! Seven, to be exact, were interested in this "bachelor till rapture."
"Lord," I pleaded, "I asked for only one woman, not seven!"
So, as the Lord most faithfully does, He answered my prayer. He chose for Brian one woman he was to get to know. Gloria was her name. She had the intellect of a professor, looks that would intimidate Barbie, a personality that glowed, and she came from wealthy stock. So much for answered prayer!
It was during this time that my feelings of inadequacy surfaced as I thought that the whole world considered Gloria ideal for Brian. I made unfavorable comparisons galore and ended up feeling as ugly and unwanted as a toxic waste dump.
Fortunately for me, about six months later, Brian stopped spending time with Gloria and soon afterward came to see that I was the one he was to spend the rest of his life with. We married a year later.
I had been looking at Gloria as a person who "had it all." But Brian told me that he wasn't looking for someone who had it all. He wanted someone who was striving to be all that God wanted her to be. I was moved by his view of me-but, of course, even years later I know I have not arrived. I keep striving! I learned something valuable during Brian’s courtship with Gloria: we shouldn't compare ourselves with others. That is hard to stop, especially if we have been doing it since childhood. We can get quite good at it, like practiced fruit graders. They would rate an apple, for example, according to weight, sugar content, skin thickness, number of worms, and so on. We look at ourselves and grade our beauty (hair color, complexion, weight, and shape), our intelligence (special intuition, vocabulary, memory, education, etc.), or even our status (financial, social, career, and so on). 1
Why do we tend to compare ourselves with others? There could be a variety of reasons, but I do it when I am too focused on myself. Maybe you've found this to be true for yourself. Think for a moment. Have you ever found yourself making one of the following remarks?
"I wish I had what she has!" "Will I ever measure up?"
"I wish I were good at something!"
"I think my boss likes her work better than mine" "They're probably talking about me behind my back."
"Why did he ask her out rather than me? What's wrong with me?" "I can't believe he would ask me out. What's wrong with him?" "I doubt that my life will ever amount to much."
''Why did God make me this way?"
The frequency of comments like these shows how easy it is to succumb to self-absorption. Why do we fall into it? Because we are tempted to get our sense of value from our appearance, from what other people think of us, or from how we perform in life.
OUR APPEARANCE
By the time missionary Amy Carmichael was three years old, her mother had taught her that "God was a hearer and answerer to prayer, One who could change water into wine." 2 Amy decided to test God's power by praying for something she had always wanted-blue eyes. The next morning, she jumped out of bed and rushed to the mirror, only to see the same brown eyes looking back at her. She was quite puzzled as to why God wouldn't answer her prayer.
Years later, as a missionary to India, Amy became very concerned about the little girls being taken into the temples, never to be seen again. She not only wanted to know what occurred in these temples, but she had hopes of rescuing some of the temple children. Yet Arny had one thing against her. She was a foreigner. Foreigners were for bidden to enter the temples. Her only alternative was to disguise herself. With coffee she stained her skin a dark color; then she dressed in Indian clothing. It was during this time of disguising herself that she came to see God's wisdom in giving her brown eyes. 3 Amy could finally express her thankfulness "for the brown eyes she had once besought God to exchange for blue ones." 4
God may give some people their looks for a certain reason. Scripture, for instance, mentions Job's daughters as having extraordinary beauty (Job 42:15). Because beauty has always been highly valued in the East, 5 the Lord might have given Job this special blessing to comfort him after his terrible trials. Then, of course, there was Esther. We know exactly why she was given beauty. Her appearance won for her the position of queen (Esther 2:2-20). Had she not been the queen, the Jews would have been slaughtered.
God may use our particular appearance in the outworking of His plan. Take Christ, for example. Isaiah prophesied that Christ would have "no stately form or majesty that we should look upon Him, nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him" (Isaiah 53:2). Because the eye admires what the heart adores, a worldly individual would never follow Christ. Only the pure in heart were attracted to the beauty of Jesus and the message He brought.
God also uses appearances to teach valuable lessons. Remember Samuel? Being so impressed with Eliab's outer appearance, the prophet thought, "Surely the LORD's anointed is before Him" (1 Samuel 16:6). Immediately the Lord corrected the prophet, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the out ward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).
And who can forget Jezebel? The scriptural description of her is quite sobering. She was as pretty as a wax doll, but she could likely have shown even the devil a dirty trick or two. Just before her death, even knowing that men were coming to kill her, she made herself up and adorned herself (2 Kings 9:30). How much did it matter? In a short while the sight of her would have made even the strongest stomach queasy. After being thrown out a high window, she was eaten by scavenger dogs who left only her skull, feet, and palms (2 Kings 9:33-37).
By spending her last moments beautifying herself, Jezebel used up precious time better spent on her soul. It is the soul--one's inner beauty-that Scripture focuses on (Proverbs 31:30). Peter said, in essence, don't go overboard on your appearance (1 Peter 3:3-4). That doesn't mean we need to utterly neglect our outer appearance; it's just that our emphasis by far should be on inner beauty.
Do we ever focus on our outer appearance a bit too much?
How Much Is Too Much?
A few days ago, I saw a documentary about several people who were not happy with their outer appearance. One woman especially fascinated me. Since childhood, she had had a fixation on her Barbie doll. By high school, she was completely dissatisfied with herself, all because she couldn't measure up to her plastic doll. As an adult, her dissatisfaction intensified. After receiving an inheritance, she began her quest to look exactly like Barbie through plastic surgery. That began a string of over twenty operations, some of them radical and painful, though in my opinion, she never needed any of them.
Two hundred thousand dollars later, she got what she wanted. She looked just like Barbie. But she admitted, she was still not content. This lack of contentment was stirred up in her soul when she didn't get the acceptance and affirmation she sought while at her twenty-year high school reunion.
Sad to say, our worldly society uses inappropriate standards to determine true beauty. And sometimes we apply them to ourselves, hoping, like that real-life Barbie, to gain the affirmation we crave.
THE AFFIRMATION OF OTHERS
Decades ago, my own twenty-year high school reunion took place. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend, but a friend who helped organize it told me how it went. "Donna, it was great to see the ones who came," she said, "but there were many people who even live locally who didn't attend." When I asked if she knew the reason, she supposed that many of the men felt ashamed that they had not “arrived” careerwise. And the women were too embarrassed to be seen because "they had put on too much weight." She added thoughtfully, "It's sad that they want us to remember them the way they were and not the way they are now."
It occurred to me that a number of the ones who stayed home that night were the most popular in "their day." They had received a lot of affirmation for their looks and personality. Could it be that they didn't want to shatter the image that once made them so popular?
I'll never know the answer, but I do know that feeding off the affirmation of others can do strange things to us. Not only does it allow us to be controlled by what we continually guess others think of us-most likely people who really couldn't care less what we look like anyway¬, but it tempts us to be continually dissatisfied with our appearance. We can become a slave to our own image. For instance, we can strive to lose weight and exercise like mad, not because we want to be healthier, but because we want the approval of others. All too often this leads to deeper insecurity. Why? Because once the affirmation dies down (and it always does), we will most likely feel worse about ourselves and go back to our old eating patterns and sedentary life.
My friend Beth has allowed me to share with you that during her days of courtship she was constantly striving for positive affirmation from whatever man she was dating at the time. She would do what ever she thought would keep him (within moral limits). For some boyfriends she would let her hair grow long; for others she cut it short. For one she changed her hair color as often as the seasons changed. And for all of them she rigorously exercised and dieted. Then one day a guy she was getting to know jokingly called her "thunder thighs." This devastated her and prompted her to become obsessed with weight reduction. Eventually she became a borderline anorexic.
Beth's reason for all this? "I used to think that if people knew what I was like on the inside, they wouldn't like me."
Have you ever felt like Beth, that if people knew what was inside you, they wouldn't like you? I certainly have. The Lord had to deal with me on this one. You see, in my early college years I focused too much time on my appearance, trying to find approval and acceptance. Having become a Christian at the age of twenty-one, I had become accustomed to focusing upon the outer life. I considered it "safe." There were still a lot of things I had to work out in my inner life, and, I admit, it was easier to simply work on the outer stuff. But as the novelist Aldous Huxley points out, "beauty for some provides escape."6
I was escaping until one evening in the quietness of my apartment, the Lord convicted me. I came to see how shallow an outward focus is and that it will never bring fulfillment and contentment. Also I came to realize that a person with an outward focus usually attracts friends with that same focus, which means that their relationships-and to some extent their whole lives-lack depth.
I remember getting down on my knees and tearfully asking the Lord to forgive me for focusing on the wrong things. I also acknowledged that no matter what benefits I could get from the use of things like makeup, diet, and exercise, none of these things would attract a godly man, bring nonbelievers to Christ, or please God Himself.
I then asked the Lord to help me with my inner beauty. As I saw it, I was ugly inside because I had not focused on developing spiritual beauty, which belongs to the soul. The woman who focuses on her inner life has a greater influence in the lives of others because she has more depth, joy, and happiness.
When I finished praying, I determined that I was going to quit wasting so much time on my appearance while hiding my inner self I determined that my goal would constantly be to work on my heart. I knew that would mean ending my quest for the affirmation of others, trusting God’s love for me, and focusing on gaining His praise.
What about you? What are your motives for working on your appearance? Is it to be happy with yourself? Of course, even if you achieve the look you want, it won't make you truly happy. Some of the unhappiest people in the world have a very beautiful exterior.
Is it personal affirmation you want? If so, then you will discover that a makeover will not bring it. There is, of course, a sense in which it's appropriate to try to be acceptable to people. We should not neglect our appearance. A reasonable effort on our appearance shows respect for others and maintains the credibility we need to minister to people. What is crucial here is our motive.
I have discovered that personal affirmation can be a special gift from God when it comes to us from others and is based on our character, our choices in life, and our ministry to others. We can thank God for the kind words we may receive from others as we serve Him. But it's nearly impossible to feel affirmed when we get compliments on our physical appearance. That is because God is the artist, and He deserves the credit for the way He made us. Scripture compares Him to a skilled potter, and we are told that we have no right to be critical of His work (Romans 9:20). Instead, we should be content with ourselves as He has made us.
Contentment refuses to try to measure up to society's standards of beauty. It refuses to seek affirmation from others based on appearance. Rather, it sees life through the eyes of God. In His eyes there are no ugly people. We are all an expression of His workmanship and creativity. And yet, despite this glorious truth, for some of us, it still may be difficult to accept the way God made us.
HOW COULD GOD HAVE MADE ME THIS WAY?
Gigi was born with an abnormality that left over half of her face reddish purple. Self-conscious about her looks, she rarely went to church. She was understandably uncomfortable with the constant stares she got everywhere she went. She eventually went on welfare because she could no longer handle going out into society.
One day Gigi asked me, "How could God have made me this way?" While God may use our particular appearance to accomplish unusual things, that idea was hard for Gigi to understand. Maybe you have a hard time understanding how God may use your appearance or limitations. Maybe you, too, struggle over your outer appearance or a certain disability, abnormality, or disorder. Maybe you feel limited in your intellect. Maybe what you consider to be your personal limitations prompt you to say, "If only I could change who I am!"
If you've ever struggled with accepting yourself as God made you, you're not alone. For as long as I can remember, I wished I had normal hearing. I am completely deaf in my right ear and have to make up for it with my left ear (which has hearing loss). I grew up dealing with the cruel comments of other children and with teachers who didn't understand how to deal with a person with a hearing problem. As an adult I must try to read lips whenever I'm in noisy rooms, and I have to guess which direction a siren is coming from when I'm driving.
Whatever struggles I've had, which are minimal compared to many other people's, I know the Lord does not want me to regard myself as some sort of victim. There's a popular tendency today to claim "victimhood" or play the "blame game." One expert player at this game was a woman with a birth abnormality who sued her parents for allowing her to be born. Blaming others creates tidy categories of oppressors and victims. Sometimes people are tempted to make God an oppressor because of the way He created them.
Do you remember back in 1990 when the Americans with Disability Act was passed by Congress? I'm sure the bill has been genuinely helpful to many who are "differently abled," as it is called in the new lexicon.7 But humorist and political commentator P.J. O'Rourke attended the signing of the ADA on the White House lawn and wrote the following observation: "People in wheelchairs were yelling at the deaf to sit down and the blind were bumping the palsied with their dogs. In a crueler age some onlookers might have laughed, but we never laugh at misfortune today. In fact, we're all trying to get in on it."8 Public policy scholar Charles Sykes added, " ... the reality outpaces even O'Rourke's satire."9
We as Christians shouldn't settle for seeking victim status. We can easily fall into victimhood if we begin comparing ourselves with others--or contrasting what we have with what someone else has. Or we can fall into pride when we have more than others.
While we all struggle with something, not one of us deserves what God gave us. We can't say, "God should have been more gracious." Nor should we as Christians think that God cheated us out of something.
Certainly, it isn't wrong to seek understanding as to why God gave us certain limitations; but when there is no understanding, we should accept God's creativity. We know that He can reverse our limitation, our birth abnormality, or whatever it is we reject about ourselves. Yet He usually doesn't. That is not necessarily a consequence of our lack of faith, contrary to what I have been told by some sincere Christians in regard to my hearing. I firmly believe that God can heal me; I have no doubts. But so far, in His perfect wisdom, He has not.
God never removed Paul's thorn in the flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7-9). Nor did He heal Trophimus, who had to be left sick at Miletus (2 Timothy 4:20). And even faith-healer Benny Hinn admitted that he doesn't understand why his Christian parents weren't healed. His father died at the age of fifty-eight of cancer, and his godly mother still struggles with diabetes. Hinn explains regarding his parents and others, "I can't explain why not all are healed."10
It was Solomon who said, "Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things" (Ecclesiastes 11:5).
While we don't understand the activity of God, especially when it concerns ourselves, I do believe there is a deeper reason God allows limitations. It is found in Christ's answer to the disciples' question about why a man was born blind. They supposed the root cause was sin, similar to some Christians today who believe that all suffering is rooted in a lack of faith. But Jesus replied that "it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him" John 9:3). Christ refocused on the higher divine purpose of God revealing Himself. In this case God's purpose was to grant healing, but God may be glorified in other more hidden ways.
For instance, a few miles from our home is a small ranch with a yard that pens in several ostriches. If you've ever watched these birds, you know that they are awkward animals, with their tiny heads atop thin necks and large bodies; their knee joints even seem to bend back wards. They aren't particularly aware of what is going on around them; nor do they care much.
Job talked about the apparent irrational behavior of these odd creatures: "She abandons her eggs to the earth, and warms them in the dust, and she forgets that a foot may crush them, or that a wild beast may trample them. She treats her young cruelly, as if they were not hers; though her labor be in vain, she is unconcerned" Job 39:14-16). From all appearances, the ostrich seems to be quite deficient in intellect, as the Arabs recognize by their proverb: "As stupid as an ostrich." Yet God in His wisdom has given them very practical instincts. In places with sand or soft dirt, the ostrich can bury her eggs about a foot down, which is deep enough to keep them from other animals but close enough to the surface that the sun can warm them. During the day the female keeps alert for beasts of prey, and at night the male keeps the eggs warm. 11
What appears senseless to observers actually shows God's wisdom, even if the ostrich works more by instinct than intelligence.
Like Job, we can be unaware of the deeper reasons for God's designs and His hidden wisdom. Job was unaware, too, of God's plan for his own life, of the part he was playing in a cosmic battle between the Creator and the chief rebel, Satan. Like Job, we can agonize over what we don't understand, wishing God would change us, that He would work differently in our lives, or that He would remove some limitations. But what if He doesn't? What if God wants to be glorified through our limitations? Can we work within them?
WORKING WITHIN OUR LIMITATIONS
Venita Schlotfeld is a woman who has mastered the discipline of working within her limitations. At the age of nineteen and newly married, she was in a car accident that left her quadriplegic. Thinking Venita would be a burden, relatives told her husband to quietly divorce her and put her in an institution.
Fortunately, her husband looked beyond her outer appearance. He helped his wife adjust to her new way of living, and they even became missionaries in Latin America. She also had three children while out on the field (Venita was told she would never have children). Now, many years later, they serve here in the United States, and Venita, with the limited use of her hands, uses her computer to translate the Bible and other materials into Braille.
God could have prevented Venita's accident, or He could have healed her. But for reasons hidden (Deuteronomy 29:29), He has allowed her to live with the limitations. As well, He has glorified himself through Venita's life and testimony.
When you struggle to deal with some unwanted limitation, you can think of Venita’s example-and of the apostle Paul's. His life was full of limitations. The most obvious one was his thorn in the flesh. The thorn may have been some physical problem, such as difficulty with his eyes or malaria; it may have been some demonically inspired enemy.12
Despite these limitations, Paul did a lot of public speaking. However, he was not the kind of polished orator that fit the ideals people said about him: “…his personal presence is unimpressive of the Greek society in which he ministered. He knew what and his speech contemptible" (2 Corinthians 10:10). His opponents tried to use his lack of skill to discredit him as a leader. In addition, they even tried to take advantage of the fact that Paul spent a good part of his life in jail (Philippians 1:15-17).
In all, Paul had a lot of limitations that God did not remove. But we can follow his example in that he learned to work within them. Can you imagine having to travel on roads all the time without being able to see clearly? Or having to stay in people's homes and having recurring malaria, which makes a person miserably sick? Or being excruciatingly proper about the Law and being taken for a criminal? Or having to preach and evangelize with people snickering at your presentation?
Paul shows us how to carry on in the face of embarrassment and frustration with our limitations. Whatever our limits, we can still swallow our pride and get going, knowing that our goal is to glorify the Father. It's okay if our skills aren't perfect or if we sometimes fall on our face trying. It's okay if we use a wheelchair instead of our legs, if we use a guide dog for our eyes, or if we read lips to hear. It's okay if our clothes aren't the best and we have to deal with people far richer than we are. It's okay if we have no college education and must work with those better educated. God still wants to use us. It may be to sing or to teach a Bible study or to reach someone by teaching that person English, or whatever. Without having some of Paul's willingness to work despite limitations, we will never do anything significant. With that said, it is possible that as we step out in faith, God will reduce or remove some of our limitations.
CRIPPLED FEET AND CRIPPLED FEET NO MORE
Like so many who met Jesus, the lives of two men were forever changed. Jesus told one man who had been crippled for thirty-eight years to "get up, pick up your pallet and walk" John 5:8). The other man had a withered hand, and Jesus told him, "Stretch out your hand!" (Matthew 12:13). Both men were healed; their burdensome limits were removed. The blessing did not come without cost, however. First, they needed a certain amount of faith to do what Jesus told them to do. That faith led them to obey, and God did the rest.
The man with the withered hand may have had to overcome some embarrassment and emotional pain to do what Jesus required. His natural tendency was probably not to display his hand to the whole synagogue. Both men needed a great deal more of something besides faith and obedience. They had to overcome enormous pressure from peers and society. You see, in both cases it was the Sabbath. The man with the withered hand knew he was right in the middle of a hot controversy between Jesus and the Pharisees about keeping the Sabbath. He no doubt realized that to stretch out his hand and be healed (this was considered work) risked the wrath of the religious authorities. They had the power to excommunicate him from the synagogue, which would make him an outcast from society (c£ John 9:22). The crippled man had to make the same decision. Taking up his pallet and walking with it amounted to working on the Sabbath, a violation of the traditional rules. It was no small matter.
I'm realizing that before I can do something significant in God's plan, I must make these same choices. I need to demonstrate a certain amount of faith and obedience; there may be some embarrassment to overcome, too. As well, God's will may go against the grain of society and carry the risk of making me something of an outcast. But the other side of this is that God just may choose to remove our limits. For a while I had a young woman come with me to evangelize and teach women at retirement homes. She was quite hesitant because as she put it, "I don't think I can do it, yet I know God wants me to." As she trusted, obeyed, and overcame embarrassment, God reduced her limits by developing her abilities. I've seen shy women come out of their shells and women who have felt socially awkward become polished-all because they obeyed. They were willing to put out their withered hands, to take up their pallets and walk.
Are you willing to step out? You may not be healed physically or intellectually, but you may be healed from the worst limitation we could possibly have-self-consciousness. I personally am working on this in my own life, learning the importance of being willing to go against the grain, even among Christians, especially when it comes to the Christian mold.
THE CHRISTIAN MOLD
We all recognize the secular mold for women-you know, the voluptuous figure, gorgeous hair, the radiant smile, and perfect teeth. If we try to fit into such a shallow mold, our insecurities will run high. But we can also run into insecurity problems if we try to fit into the Christian mold. You might be thinking, Could there really be such a thing? I believe there is. It has to do with how some Christians believe other godly Christians are supposed to act.
The other day while some friends and I were watching our children play kickball, we had a lively discussion about this very topic. Here are a few observations we made.
To fit the Christian mold, it's important not to appear too "outgoing." You will be seen as shallow or even flaky, as opposed to quiet and thoughtful.
Too, you should be cautious when voicing your opinion, or you will be seen as lacking appropriate meekness.
Also, stay away from that "high voltage" look. There is an unspoken belief in an inverse relationship between beauty and brains; it is thought that the more attractive you are, the smaller your brain must be. Recommendation: God easy on the makeup, wear serviceable but not overly stylish dresses and and go to a hairdresser of indifferent skill.13
It's also important to stay away from bold colors, which make you look worldly, rather than pure and chaste. A high collar and bland colors add the sort of distinction that could qualify you for the deaconess board. Now if you are single and over thirty, you should be married unless you have some highly demanding ministry. Otherwise, the Sisters of the Christian Mold will try to "rescue" you. They'll want to find you someone-virtually anyone-who has prayed the sinner's prayer. And if you point out that there's not much fruit in his life, they remind you of his main asset: he's breathing. On the other hand, if you are married with no children, something's got to be wrong-don't you like children?
Christian molds don't end at the front door of your home. Inside, your home must always be in tiptop shape-unless, of course, you have young children. In that case having a home that is too orderly makes it apparent that you aren't spending enough time with the youngsters.
It's also important to say yes to any ministry-related demands. This is one of the fastest and surest ways to appear spiritual. (Of course, if you have young children, you'll need to plan ahead what to say when, as teenagers, they rebel against God and the church, which they'll see as robbing them of their parents.)
We will know we've arrived in the good graces of the Sisters of the Christian Mold when we are mistaken for the Proverbs 31 woman.
Please don't misunderstand. All of us at that kickball game would love to be exactly like Mrs. Proverbs. She's our role model. But she's also—
The role model of every man—looking for a wife
The role model of every husband—wishing it were his wife
The role model of every pastor's sermon—for the wives
Even though so many Christian women, single and married, strive to be like Mrs. Proverbs, we can't seem to shake the feeling that we are somehow missing the mark. Ever feel that way? Ever wonder how you can compete with all that she did in life? What a tall order!
THINKING IT OVER
When is the affirmation of others a good thing? When is it not? What limitations do you struggle with?
Starting today, in what ways will you work within them? How might God reduce or eliminate your limits by your obedience?
What are the risks of judging others based on appearances? Can you add anything to the Christian Mold list?