The book starts off with a philosophical discussion that tries to determine what can be known without any doubt, then morphs into a testimony that details my decades-long quest for certainty that ultimately brought me to Jesus.
As a testimony, it is unique just like every person is unique. Arguably, I took the notion of uniqueness to the next level. The quest for certainty consumed me and shaped my entire life.
The moment of resolution of my lifelong struggle to find the truth, when Truth finally found me and grabbed hold of me. (see excerpt)
July 4th, 1996.
On this auspicious day, I was as alone in my home in suburban Maryland, right on the edge of DC. My wife had left with the kids and was considering making it permanent. I had no life that mattered to me. It was in the aftermath of another service at church that made me want to toss my revelation aside and just be normal.
I had tried before. The number of times that I tried to toss it aside and just be like any other Christian were many. I had even been persuaded to be re-baptized in various churches. I had rededicated my life multiple times and always there was the gentle tug back to the revelation. That was real too and I was unable to fool myself and pretend it wasn’t.
Over the years people (mostly Debbie) offered explanations of how I might have experienced what I did. Mostly, the explanations discounted it as a drug-induced hallucination. Others called it a false mystical experience of some sort probably involving demon possession. I discarded those ideas myself because I knew what I had experienced of God initially and over the ensuing years was real.
I even tried to resolve the conflicts myself. I thought for a while that I might really be the Christ if God made the past my future. My obvious personal flaws flew in the face of any such reconciliation. I cast about for some way to make sense of everything that I knew to be true. In the days before she left for New Orleans, Debbie offered another science fiction inspired theory:
“God knew that you had no faith and that you couldn’t have any. You said that the only way you could believe was to know Him in the same way as you know yourself. Maybe it was kind of like the Vulcan Mind Meld. God joined your consciousness to His and since Jesus is God, you would come away with the impression that you were Jesus.”
I disregarded this latest idea like all the rest of the glib explanations that people had offered over the years and went on to other matters, probably to my ongoing argument with Debbie, but now, here I was, alone in my house and fresh from frustration at church and I decided to pray. Debbie’s idea came to mind and this time I didn’t dismiss it. It seemed plausible. The more I thought about it, the more plausible it became. It would explain a lot and now as I approached the point of accepting the explanation I realized the enormous implications and became apprehensive.
Death by crucifixion was a terrible form of torture. I’d heard the medical analysis and now I had to confront the reality of it. I’d said the words accepting Jesus before, but my unshakable conviction that I was somehow the Christ, kept me from really committing to it. Each time I asked God to take the contradictory impression away, he just reaffirmed it and let me know that everything was OK and I should wait. Now I suspected His answer would be different.
I didn’t like charity. I wanted to pay my own way but now I had to confront the fact that somebody would suffer horribly for me. Die for me. Was I supposed to embrace that fact? I sensed that was where this was taking me. The apprehension itself was a confirmation. The sense of anguish and dread was terrible as I cried out what I felt. Facedown on my living room rug I wailed:
“But I don’t WAN’T you to die!”
Instantly, clearly, the answer came back as a thought that wasn’t mine.
“But I already DID die, and I WANT you to want it.”
This was God talking! Could I tell Him no? I hesitated a moment because I didn’t want to cry, but say the words accepting His death I did. I blubbered.
I could claim Jesus as my Savior and call myself a Christian without reservation. It was finished.